#im really really scared of not being picked
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Oh that's a dwagon! (they're so cute!)
Siblings that hoot and holler together, stay together. (thank you so much!! I love these silly lil kids)
#my characters#sobbing thank you anon for liking my ocs#like she might have a human form but she really loves being in her dragon form#big lizard gal napping in the sun just vibing at home#they luckily live in the middle of nowhere so she can do so peacefully and not terrify neighbors#also because i just live this fact so much about them im gonna say it again#vik literally learned how to use a bow and arrow JUST for playing fetch with his sister as enrichment for a dragon#hes incredibly skilled at archery now so thats his weapon of choice and the fact he trained as making arrows fly as far as possible#he has really good range lmao hes like wow thats way closer than for a flying dragon pog i got this#he does like to be contrary a lot so when asked about why he picked the bow n arrow hes like#i dont like fighting :c i have to fight from a distance or im scared :c i dont wanna be mean#and his traveling buddies are like that is the biggest lie i have ever heard wtf
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if escape rooms as team building exercises became popular im not sure if id be more excited or terrified
#if it isnt already anyway.. i can see it happening as a school frosh thing. idk if it would catch on as a workplace thing#i kind of find the concept of being locked in with strangers and working to find a way out weirdly exhilarating though#at least compared to icebreakers cause i dont have to spend 10 minutes racking my brain for something to blurt out abt myself#as a bonus u could like. put people into groups and give prizes to whoever escapes first second third etc. apparently they also do themed#escape rooms.. maybe let people pick a theme? or voluntary sign up? actually this would be really fun for smth like a blind friend date#although if i found out i was locked in a room with an online friend id be too excited to actually escape LOL#ive never done an escape room before so sadly i cant speak from experience. its like up there on things i want to try next to rug tufting#workshop and visiting new art exhibits or conventions. i seriously need to get out more if it wasnt for the horrors <- school and anxiety#i was planning to invite cass to a drop-in art workshop in town but neither of us could go bc typography is making us go thru hell and back#AND THEY HAD A BUTTON MACHINE TOO#im nostalgic bc i miss working in groups and not being awkward abt it or worrying abt schedule conflicts#i realized that i learn best in groups and its a little corny but i like sharing ideas and talking through a problem#in elementary i could just sit down with friends for review and come out of it energized *and* more familiar with the material#and i could technically still do it now. but as adults we're more picky abt who we work with on top of being way more busy outside school#maybe im lonely. im shy and grew up not talking to ppl unless i absolutely have to so its hard to make friends on my own i guess#only thing getting me thru it is telling myself that humans like helping and that my cringe is overblown in my head. but its hard#hence the escape rooms. i have been able to talk to 2(!!) people though!! mostly abt school stuff but im glad to be on friendly terms#i dont really know how to be happy these days cause im constantly scaring myself abt my portfolio and finding places to work#not being ambitious is part of not wanting to put energy into something that wont work out while also not having the passion to do literall#anything else.. i should probably talk to my counsellor ugh#yapping
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#first therapy session went well !#i didn't cry which is v surprising lol#maybe bc we didnt go too in depth about things but#therapist already picking up on things i didn't like#never really thought of myself as an anxious person#depression was more so what stuck out to me#but like therapist was like bestie... u sound more anxious than ur perceiving#like i put that i don't struggle with social anxiety bc generally in a group of people im pretty outgoing#but like my coping skills are isolation lol#and i often turn down invitations bc of my insecurities#and in general just hate being perceived despite wanting it#like i literally havent answered any asks on here in months bc#im afraid of what people think of me#and im scared of interaction#but im also dying for human connection lol :'))#i also avoid men completely bc trauma so yeah#and it all stems from a deep deep belief that i am not worthy of love n wOw im sad but like we can only go up from here right :'))#LMAO SORRY THAT THIS IS WHAT MY BLOG HAS BECOME BUT#idk this is my diary fr#anywho sorry for everything#will most likely delete all these rants bc its embarassing lol but#love you all#and im so sorry for not answering the asks#thank you for reading my fics#your comments mean sm to me truly#love you endlessly
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been real cloudy here, without any rain
#halfway thru this i realized i was drawing myself and not gumi and i had to take a moment and re-gumi-fy the drawing#cant help being a gumi kinnie i guess U_U#dnoodles#vocaloid#i guess? idk i dont think a lot of people will reblog this. i actually kinda hope not.#hello dear followers#yea wow i have um. not been drawing at all lately.#not even simple doodles. i couldnt even pick up a pen.#so i sat down. turned on my favorite music. and drew what i wanted.#not what i wanted to see as the result#but what i wanted to let out of my system.#i dont really care if this looks good or bad. i dont care how messy the lines are. i dont care about the colors or the background#i just wanted to have a good time drawing again. and have a good time i did :)#i have a big drawing ahead of me i need to do. that i Want to do.#im scared of it not turning out good. especially since its for a friend. especially since im being paid for it.#but. im gonna let myself enjoy it. sink into the feeling and let the pen move on its own. indulge in the joy of creation.#i missed art. i missed posting.#sometimes i think about how i was able to crank out so many drawings in high school.#not without extreme determent to my grades of course. but still. i was drawing So Much. and i utterly loved it.#i still wish i could go back to that. perhaps i will. perhaps i wont.#but i want to let that wish go away. and. i guess. start a new chapter.#reinvent my relationship with art.#its going to be bad. its going to be messy. its going to hurt your eyes. and its going to be fun.#WOW okay that was an essay. thank you for reading.#im gonna go eat something and. actually get back to drawing. hehe
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i've been diving a lot deeper into adhd symptoms and comorbidities and misdiagnoses and whenever i tell my boyfriend something i learned that sounds like me he responds with something like
#idk he knows me more than anyone bc i can't hide the parts i'm ashamed of from him#last night he was like. yeah EYE think you have adhd but i'm just some guy#idk i'm excited about this not because i want to be Quirky for internet reasons. yknow. but bc i've felt like an impostor of a human being#and i have no sense of self and i can't get myself to do basic tasks and the thought of doing something i don't want to do#genuinely makes me want to throw up/my brain shuts down/i can't think or talk or function to the point where i can't work.#so i can't support myself. so i feel terrible about myself. and i've been in and out of therapy for 20 years and have numerous diagnoses#that have never really felt like they fully encapsulate what's going on. and like. i've kinda just internalized that i'm not as good at#being a person as everyone else because i struggle so so much. like yeah i did well in school but i had to sacrifice literally everything#else to do that. idk how everyone else is managing to have a job and hobbies and friends#i get to pick like. one now. i used to be able to juggle everything to some degree although i felt like i was being careless in all areas#except school. i'm so scared of making mistakes or starting anything or talking to new people or trying new hobbies#because i know it won't interest me more than a couple weeks MAX and i'll feel listless and restless again#and i've come to understand this as part of who i am at my core. i'm just someone who can't commit and isn't reliable or a good friend#i just want so badly for that not to be the case because i want so badly to not be stuck like this#idk im going home to talk to my dad this weekend and just rest because i'm really really not doing well#which is why i'm scrambling to try to figure out what's going on with me because idk how much longer i feasibly can do this#and i might be moving back to the pnw bc therapists in pa don't work with medicaid#and no psychiatrists near me are taking new patients. and i can't work to get on private insurance. but therapists in or do work w medicaid#so idk. again if youre diagnosed w adhd and this sounds not like someone who is consuming social media brain rot content about adhd#but rather someone whose experiences you identify with. please let me know. please please#i am reaching out to professionals also but things move slowly and i'm trying to compile evidence so i don't sound like i'm making it up
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decided to leave my job and i'm gonna fr gonna cryyyyy
#literally can't work with my new boss bc i can't trust her#she went to the head of the department with complaints abt me without ever speaking to me or giving me any indication she was unhappy#and various other reasons im not happy w management and the school in general#HOWEVER#i love the kids sm and im gonna miss them and worry abt them 😭😭😭😭#im literally scared for some of them bc it feels like the other teachers have no empathy for some of my favorite kids#one of them who is so so sweet and when he cries i'm the girst to comfort him bc everyone else thinks he needs to toughen up 😭#also my new boss sucks so so bad and is gonna be such a bad influence on him and all the other kids#and my main co teacher said she's gonna quit if i do so i cant even beg her to look out for my babies and take care of them 😭💔#and it would be unprofessional to mention any concerns to the parents but genuinely some of the kids would be better off elsewhere#like im actually worried about it#i dont want some of the really sweet sensitive kids to lose their sweetness bc they're being treated unkindly#and the worst bullies and spoiled kids are the ones the teachers dote on#so it encourages some of the sweet ones to act out for attention#anyway 💔#i really do need to go tho#and i'm sure i'll love the kids at my new job#but im so sadddd#also its unlikely i can find a well paying job w this age group even tho i love this age group#its basically impossible not to get attached to them at this age and i get to pick them up and hold and cuddle them and stuff#and you cant really do that with the older kids sadly#literally on the verge of tears even seriously thinking abt leaving#things have been p bad for a while due to management but i never seriously considered leaving bc i love the kids so much#but i literally can't see a future here#and my new boss clearly hates me and im worried she's going to try to get me fired#she already made up a bunch of lies about me and its only been three weeks#anyway i only make 15 an hour so hopefully i'll at least get more somewhere else and i know i'll still love the kids#its just really hard#which is why i've stayed this long#i was p unhappy before my new boss even started bc of the way they treated my old boss
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6.5hr in the car was rough. But I'm all bundled in my beddie bye and I have the box fan going (so glad I thought to bring it) and the view outside the cabin is beautiful and I'm going ziplining tomorrow morning
It is time to sleep bundled like a rat in its bedding and then have a wonderful day tomorrow
#speculation nation#the rat comparison is quite apt because i bunched the blanket all up and set the pillows around me#bc it's a king size bed and i usually sleep on a twin and i felt like a small prey animal out on a slab#easy pickings for the great predators.#theres also a mirror facing the bed and it's kind of stressing me out (bc im scared of mirrors in the dark)#but im being SoBrave and sleeping in the total dark so i dont have to see it (and thus it doesnt exist)#(i dont use a nightlight at home but i do have a digital clock that's pretty bright so it's effectively a nightlight#& ive realized total darkness is a bit unsettling when im used to Some illumination. mostly bc i cant fuckin SEE)#so me with my normal twin size mattess pressed against the wall + elevated into the air (bc top bunk of bunk bed)#PLUS side railings. i really do sleep in a fuckin rectangle huh.#but here i am on a square with a big room all around me and no wall pressed to either side of the bed.#see im a little prey animal on a slab. but it's ok i made a burrow into the slab. so i am safe actually.#it's actually pretty damn comfortable. tho i really should sleep so im not too tired in the morning.#in general if im absent over this next week just assume im doing mountain things. 👍
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📓🕯️🐇🖤pt.2
#only 30 tags lol i ran out... so furthermore#we only get one life. im gonna try as much as i can to enjoy the little moments. nd to not give up on myself nd my life#i will die one day anyway. why rush it. i'll enjoy as many books and as many walks and songs and tv shows as possible#if i get a loan nd have more money i wanna bleach my hair nd dye my hair green#and later this year i think i might change my name#it was the name i wanted to change to from the beginning. but i was in such a bad headspace i just picked eden at random#i do kinda like it now nd im attached to it but i more feel like this other name actually is me. my birth name nd my current name dont feel#really right. so maybe. i havent decided yet. like i rlly dont know. im also attached to this name for some other reason. like it's who i am#to a person i rlly like and if i change... will i be anything to them? i cant put it into words but that makes me hesitate#but it's unhealthy to stay attached to someone i cant truly have even if i want to. so i mean. idk im just weird abt it#but i do kinda wanna change my name (to embla. my mom wanted to give me that name but my dad was like nooo >.<) i am not 100% sure tho so#when i've been getting used to going to school nd working out at the gym. nd after my surgery nd i have more energy#i will try to face my avpd and try apps for making friends. there r two apps where u can find new girl friends!! maybe i can try that#also like i've never tried apps but i think maaaaaybe i can use bumble to try to find friends and women to date. potentially. idk.....#rn it's hard for me to think in those terms bc. i mean i am hung up on someone!!!! i cant evwn imagine dating or being intimate w anyone els#sometimes i feel like.. they're the only person i've ever felt like it'd even be possible. who i'd event want to do that w#not only physically but emotionally. so ig it's even harder to let go bc im so scared i will never feel like that w anyone else#but i rlly need to try to make the most of whatever life i have. the world will collapse soon anyway#that makes me even more sad that i cant be w who i wanna be w nd do what i wanna do but#all pain will all be completely descimated eventually. it's not forever bc life isnt forever#i've just never felt this before. like i want smth to be real so bad but if it happened once surely it can happen again? right?#i wont spend my life alone without intimacy and love and comfort nd support nd understanding right???? :o hope not#im still so sad nd exhausted rn. nothing in my life is working nd theres no repreive nd no help#it gets sooo hard to endure everything sometimes when everything just keeps piling up and gets so heavy it feels like im drowning#nd atm i dont feel like i have any anchor. nothing that keeps me grounded nd im just floating away nd im constantly being overwhelmed by my#feelings nd emotions. im like a stupid little kid who dont understand how to handle what im feeling. or make rational decisions#i feel so ... stupid and useless. i dont know what im doing. i have no idea. i have no compass. its so scary
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I think about this issue sometimes because she’s soooo quick on her feet. She’s always ready to jump into action and figure out a situation. It makes sense why people like steve rogers keep wanting her to be a leader type; she’s empathetic, she’s smart, and she’s decisive. she knows how to make those split second decisions and she’s all about putting herself in the line of fire to keep everyone else safe (see also: rogue not caring about herself and so the choice of self sacrifice is an easy one if it means saving her loved ones / innocent people)
#I’ve talked about it before and how I’m hesistant just because rogue feels like she can’t do a ‘good’ job being a leader#just because she doesn’t always want to take the high horse route or the by the book route#and she struggles with comparison to the leaders she’s had before because she doesn’t think she can measure up#and yet people still trust her wholeheartedly to lead teams / lead them#because she takes initiative she’s not scared she’s going to go out and get shit down#rogue doesn’t wait around for other people to do things for her#going off subject but like there’s so many instances where rogue gets separated from the group / taken#and she’s like well I’m not going to wait around to be saved#*done not down sorry#BUT SHE IS GOING TO FIGURE OUT A WAY#she’s been in millions of scenarios since she was a girl one of the things she definitely knows how to do is get out of trouble#also get into it but >:)#also her being empathetic is another really big part of her being a good leader#because she cares so deeply she does her best to understand all sides#she’s been on both sides she knows the things that drive people to do bad things#SORRY IM YAPPING#I like when she has the chance to lead her own team#(her picking mystique sabretooth Emma shekjsjsjs)#and she gets to do things the way she sees fit#and if it means breaking a few rules so be it#she’s the daughter of a mutant terrorist she might be reformed but there’s still some ideals#mystique wasn’t always wrong you know#stop erasing her past when she’s said it herself that all her life she’s just been fighting for one group after another#just because the xmen helped her doesn’t mean she agrees with all the takes completely#anyways#I love rogue she’s so cool and she should boss everyone around
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Anyway they can change between being tiny and human sized. And when they're tinier they can only be seen by the other fae or their selected humans. So if you just passed Noll on the street while Shavuli was perched on his shoulder chatting away you wouldn't see or hear her.
#my characters#a lot of the fae who are trying to get noll to pick a human take turns joining him as he wanders if he opts to be human sized#if he opts to be small and fly around none of them can actually find him to follow bc he does it precisely to be alone#and makes careful to avoid all of them when he dips#which furthers their friendly obsession with him being their void like where is he we lost him we gotta go bring him back from the abyss!#and hes just off on his own being crippled by anxiety at being a disappointment bc what if he isnt fun enough#absolutely unaware that all his friends are like we gotta go find him hes too good at this#hes going to win the game we have clearly set up to involve humans before he even recruits a human#cause he is TOO GOOD at slipping away ITS NOT FAIR we love him what a weird fae thats our lil guy!#noll really is just out there impressing all of his friends and not knowing hes impressing them bc hes too scared of being abandoned#and i was telling rae but when he does find the human he wants as his for the game#hes like ok so im gonna be honest here i turn into a big sword and you are definitely not going to be strong enough to carry me#and the human just like ok then pick someone else?#and hes like no no i cant you dont get it youre resourceful and im resourceful THEREFORE! i have an idea! just for us!#and then proceeds to shatter himself into shards basically#so that the human can have many smaller easy to control swords rather than one too big sword#and when all of the other fae see it they are absolutely delighted bc they didnt know he could do that! thats so cool! wow! they love him s#and he doesnt tell them that it actually really flippin hurts and being broken is agonizing but he wants to win so badly#anyway hello appreciate the void fae noll and his lil buddy shavuli who can turn into a spear C:#in her human form though she loves to wear hoodies instead of just like .... a skin tight suit with draping fabrics#she does wear biker shorts bc leggy.... she likes to have legs free#but she likes hoodies a lot
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why do so many people think it's funny to push past someone else's boundaries and making them uncomfortable
#like ive had to deal with it for as long as i can remember#you dont like being picked up? oh ok im gonna pick you up and throw you around youll like that right#you dont like to be touched unexpectedly? oh ok im gonna sneak around and touch you without you knowing and scare you and laugh about it#you dont wanna participate in this activity bc its overwhelming and makes you wanna peel your skin off?#oh ok we are gonna laugh at you and pressure you into it and then laugh some more as you clearly struggle#what the fuck is up with this shit really#i am so so so so tired#ry rambles
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Vent ignore
#been trying to sleep for like 30 minutes#and my head hurts from being tired and crying#gods I'm such a little bitch#i make one little ittty bitty fuck up and my brain goes lol#see you can't get better#like dude i have to wake up at 5am can i cry anout this sfter work tomorrow instead.#you can kys after the captialism grind okay?#im head fucking hurts#it is weird when you have abandonement issues#and are constantly scared of veing abandoned#and then you fuck uo just the right way and your brain goes full opposite gears??#like#nah it's better that they leave you#they are better off with you#theyre safer when they're not with you#motherfucker pick a crisis#you can not have a problem with both!!#🙄🙄#sometimes i am like if i got a labatomy i would be a better#bit really thr problem is of i make one mistake my brain goes back to#if im not oerfect i will be left to die#which is valid and deserved and understandable#please i just wanted to sleep#stop throwing yourself a pity party#grow up or shut down#i should not share my emotions#lol#i have learned that whrn i talk to myself i am mean#but i still think that's better than being a prick to others#going to try to sleep now that that's out there
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Ngl, I'm trying my best but I'm fucking nervous about this weekend's hearing
I haven't talked to my mom except over the phone since maybe last week, and its really stressing me out lol
I really don't handle stress well so pray for me cause I don't wanna start crying like a baby in front of the judge again, so fucking embarassing
#bitchin and crying#i should call hasumi and charlotte tomorrow see if one of them can come over#or...just hasumi i guess#i miss charlotte#god thats a whole other can of worms#Im really scared for Charlotte and i feel awful i didn't say more before she dissapeared#i hope they find her i know they gave up but she needs to come home#its my fault that i didnt do more before she went#and god after all that hasumi's mom took her and her brother on vacation and its nice and fuck i wish that could be me#but of course nobody in my family has any sense of priorities and just wants to pick and bitch at eachother#im being so mean but god im annoyed please just be kind for five minutes can you not see im trying my best here?
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i dont wanna eat anything or do anything and i just wanna lay around but i also dont wanna do that and i dont wanna watch anything or read anything and idk what i wanna do
#i was supposed to have someone review my resume and i was banking on the fact that maybe talking to someone instead of being alone in my roo#would help me out but the whole appointment system maker thing was messed up so we couldnt even meet#so i literally hvae nothing better to do than wait the next few days to get back to campus#and i was soooo excited to go back to school and i still am cuz i know itll make me feel better being around people#but im just a lot less excited than i was#cuz i just really really hate the idea of having to spend another fall semester getting over someone#like i couldve probably handled spring semester. but fall semester???? when theres already enough desolateness as it is???#like i just hate hate htae the idea of being on buses and starting to cry again and its midnight at 4pm when im crying#and theres people everywhere and the wrost part is shes literally on the same campus as me!!! so now i might actually see her!!!#and i dont want to!!!#i want to be friends but right now i know if i see her again ill just start sobbing on the spot#i was so excited for thsi fall sem but now im just notttt#and i know ill be busier (hopefully) this sem so im sure ill be better off than last year#but still like. idfk i dont know what to do. i think i just need to hear someone elses voice#im supposed to talk to my friend later today so maybe thatll help#cuz im kinda ready to tell someone about it but what if she telsl me she cant call what am i suppsoed to doooo#cuz last year the person iw as getting over lived a bajillion miles from me so it was easier!!! but she and I live 5 mins from each other#AND SHES FREINDS WITH LIKE ALL MY ROOMMATES#THEYRE ALL HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS !!!!#GODDDD.#i mean there are def upsides to this . for example its good we broke up now#cuz imagine if we broke up cuz of a fight and then thered be a big issue in the friend group#but it ended well and i dont think our friends / roommates will be 'picking sides'#as long as i just dont do anything drastic lol#adn who knows maybe our friendship will bounce back and i really hope it does!!#but she and i didnt start off as friends we kinda went into this knowing we were into each other to begin with#so like how do i be friends with her you know???#and friendship is soo important to me so its not like i dont want to be friends with her. i really really do. i just dont know how itll wor#like i value friendship over romantic relationships any day but also our relationship felt so deep to me#which is why im scared that we wont be friends even though i know we both want to be
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my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.
#purrs#longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing#and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how#deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is#to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is#being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten#alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can#one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the#most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably#i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this#delete later#i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting#people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself#and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i#feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk.#also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental#illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt#feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant#i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that#and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending
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Do u ever think about how Anita is literally re- raising her parents?
#SHE AND DUKE NEED TO TEAM UP#THEYD HAVE SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT IT GUYS SEE MY VISION#slobo scared to talk to Tim’s family bc he thinks he’s lame#Duke has never had a fatter crush 💔#(not reciprocated btw obvi Duke is just a loser high schooler)#it’s giving that one episode of 6teen where Jude starts dressing goth#do u see the visión#but i think Duke would fw the vibe more genuinely after#like he wouldn’t go full goth but I think he’d def pick up on punk elements that he enjoys#i think he’d really enjoy expirementing with goth makeup#im not using goth and pink interchangeably rn I’m being fr#*punk 😑#anyways I think he and Damian could sit for hours going through different styles throughout the years#just a small look into my dark twisted mind heh
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